Workin'

I absolutely love my job.

My preceptor is fantastic... she is literally everything I aspire to be... Super competent ICU nurse/retired flight nurse. Plus she's witty, kind, and swet. Kind of like having a motherly figure in the ICU. Which is definitely a necessity some days. She's there for me with literally whatever I need (work-related or otherwise) and is super encouraging. I feel like we could be friends. Just a wonderful person.

And today, for the first time since I started, I feel like I might be a real nurse. For the first time, I never had a sense of "holy-shit-I'm-drowning" which tends to occur each morning as I'm scrambling around trying to be everywhere at once. Including breakfast break (which Kathy is pretty insistent on). I think the big goal of breakfast break (besides actual breakfast) is to make sure you're getting that few minutes of peace and quiet, to just... be. I've never needed something so much. I can go blank for 10 minutes (usually mid-drown) and then come back, ready to do it all again with so much more energy than before. Which is quite possibly a combination of the solitude and caffeine from the coffee I usually slam.

I love the freedom I have. Kathy lets me do things my way, regardless of consequences obviously barring harm to patient life. But if I fail, it was my idea. Learn by doing. And Kathy paid me the biggest compliment today, probably without even realizing it. She told me I was a "delight" and followed it up with, "I really think you're gonna be just fine here." So. Happy. I really was a little worried. That I wasn't going to catch on. That I wasn't going to be good enough. That nobody wanted to have the new grad nurses around, since they haven't been for 5 years. But... for the most part, everyone's really cool. And for that, I'm super grateful.

It's not all sunshine and roses. I've left out most of the parts where something goes wrong and I feel incompetent. Kathy has obviously caught on to my "if it's not perfect the first time, it's a fail" attitude. She reminds me that I can't be as good as I wanna be 100% of the time. That's probably one of the hardest things I'm gonna deal with. Because I simply don't see why not.

We've had a few younger patients pass away as well and this is also especially difficult. It reminds me a lot of being in the PICU. You go home and you can't stop thinking about the patient and the family. Obviously I can't do this. I'm going to get mentally and emotionally exhausted very quickly. So I need to learn how to leave work at work.

Leave work at work, and realize I'm never going to be perfect.

But I think I can do it. I know I can do it. It truly is one of the most wonderful feelings in the world. I've found that thing I was meant to do. And I'm so completely happy doing it. I truly am blessed.