So now that I've finished my last fall semester in undergraduate EVER (that seems so weird to say that), people keep asking me the same question: What are you going to do when you're done?
This is a normal question. Hell, I've probably asked people in the same position that same question. But when I hear it, I get nervous, the urge to hide, and a little nauseous. I simply don't know the answer. I used to think I knew. Denver. That's been my same answer for the last 2 years. The end of the summer/beginning of this semester, I could say Denver with literally zero hesitation. The more I stay here (in my little comfort zone), the more I think it might not be so terrible to end up here. I've got a strong support system in Fargo, not to mention that I know my floor. I'm friends with nurses, aides...it's a wonderful feeling.
So I've been ignoring this question for most of the month. Until today. I got an email from the nurse recruiter, Rob, at P/SL (my most favorite hospital in Denver) just to see how I was doing. How. Cool. Like, that he cares enough to follow up with me is huge. A really good sign. I emailed him back, gave him all the highlights of my semester including where my practicum will be. I decided to push it and see if I could meet with the managers of all the floors I wanted to work on. This includes oncology, Peds, and your general med/surg. He said yes. So I am going to go there over Spring Break and hope for the best. Hopefully I will have a little better idea by then of what I want to do.
I talked to a lot of people about this. I think the best advice I got was from Lindsay. Instead of outright telling me what to do, she said that I could go to Denver, see how I felt about it, and nobody was making me stay. I can always leave after working there and come back to Fargo if things are just horrendous. Which is good advice.
I think what I'm most afraid of, is failing.
I wanted to go to Denver for my co-op. That didn't work out. I wouldn't change my co-op experience for the world...I met one of the coolest people I've ever known, and I'm going to be always grateful for that. My nursing friends often talk about how jealous they are that I still hang out with my summer preceptor...who more accurately is now my friend. I also wanted to go to Denver for my practicum. My teacher didn't send it in as early as she had originally intended, and so here I am, at Sanford again. I guess...I'm just scared I'll wait for Denver and that it won't work out. And then I'll be jobless.
I've got a few months before I really have to worry about it. So we'll cross that bridge when it comes. In the mean time, I'm going out tonight to celebrate the end of the semester in true college student fashion.
The Turf.
Thursday, December 16, 2010
Monday, December 13, 2010
Off the deep end.
I have literally lost it.
I can be focused when I have a test any other time of the school year. I buckle down, cram the information, and then regurgitate it for the test. Nothing too difficult. However, when finals week rolls around, all bets are off. The two finals I do have are not cumulative. So this should be no different than any other day of the year. Except that when my brain hears 'finals' it shuts down. I can find 3001 things to do instead of studying (like writing this blog for instance to complain about my lack of studying). I even took suggestions on my facebook status for procrastination ideas (good ones too, might I add). I just can't sit and look at my tests when I know it's for finals week.
And like I said, I only have two finals. So it isn't like I have been studying all week, because I don't do that, either. But all of a sudden I'm antsy, can't sit still, talking to myself, and just grumpy in general that I'm studying. I told you. I'm nuts. And at this point, it doesn't really matter what I do on said test, because I could get an A in both classes while still failing their finals. If I didn't take tomorrow's at all, I would still get a B. Isn't that absolutely disgusting? I think so.
So what's the problem, you ask? While I don't want to study and am teaching myself oh-so-useful new skills instead, I can't let myself fail. There's this weird little part of me that is so afraid of failing...so afraid of even getting a C on the test, that I can't just stop studying and say 'see ya next semester.' I am the true definition of the word nursing student. I just want to not care. But the thought of my teacher knowing that I bombed a test would make me feel like I had to explain myself...in which case I could just direct her here to said blog...
So to sum it up, I'm nuts. I am mad that I have to study but I don't really have to study but I won't let myself fail because that's embarrassing so I have to study. Do you get it? I don't.
I can be focused when I have a test any other time of the school year. I buckle down, cram the information, and then regurgitate it for the test. Nothing too difficult. However, when finals week rolls around, all bets are off. The two finals I do have are not cumulative. So this should be no different than any other day of the year. Except that when my brain hears 'finals' it shuts down. I can find 3001 things to do instead of studying (like writing this blog for instance to complain about my lack of studying). I even took suggestions on my facebook status for procrastination ideas (good ones too, might I add). I just can't sit and look at my tests when I know it's for finals week.
And like I said, I only have two finals. So it isn't like I have been studying all week, because I don't do that, either. But all of a sudden I'm antsy, can't sit still, talking to myself, and just grumpy in general that I'm studying. I told you. I'm nuts. And at this point, it doesn't really matter what I do on said test, because I could get an A in both classes while still failing their finals. If I didn't take tomorrow's at all, I would still get a B. Isn't that absolutely disgusting? I think so.
So what's the problem, you ask? While I don't want to study and am teaching myself oh-so-useful new skills instead, I can't let myself fail. There's this weird little part of me that is so afraid of failing...so afraid of even getting a C on the test, that I can't just stop studying and say 'see ya next semester.' I am the true definition of the word nursing student. I just want to not care. But the thought of my teacher knowing that I bombed a test would make me feel like I had to explain myself...in which case I could just direct her here to said blog...
So to sum it up, I'm nuts. I am mad that I have to study but I don't really have to study but I won't let myself fail because that's embarrassing so I have to study. Do you get it? I don't.
Sunday, December 12, 2010
A quiet peace.
The most calming, relaxing feeling I think I have ever had, comes from two short hours a week. I am a volunteer baby-rocker in the NICU at Sanford. Originally I started doing this as a resume builder, so I would have something that would set me apart in the job field when I wanted to go work in a NICU. But it took literally one day to see that it was going to be so much more than that.
Rocking babies is peaceful. These little ones have gone through way more in their short lives (some since even before they were born) than I have in my 22 years. I could literally be having the worst day ever, and the NICU would change that. For two hours in my week, I don't have to think. I can sit there quietly and hold a baby. Funnily enough, it's also the only two hours of the day (and in some cases, week) that I don't have my cell phone right next to me. And you know something? I'm okay with that. I love it. Absolutely love it.
There was a little baby there today who couldn't be set down, even while asleep, because he would wake up and cry. They asked me to rock him, and it was amazing...the instant she set him in my arms, he stopped crying. I think as a parent (since I am clearly knowledgeable in THAT field...), it would break my heart to have to leave him. So I feel good, knowing that I'm doing them as much good as they are me. It's a wonderful, place. And the best volunteer job ever.
Rocking babies is peaceful. These little ones have gone through way more in their short lives (some since even before they were born) than I have in my 22 years. I could literally be having the worst day ever, and the NICU would change that. For two hours in my week, I don't have to think. I can sit there quietly and hold a baby. Funnily enough, it's also the only two hours of the day (and in some cases, week) that I don't have my cell phone right next to me. And you know something? I'm okay with that. I love it. Absolutely love it.
There was a little baby there today who couldn't be set down, even while asleep, because he would wake up and cry. They asked me to rock him, and it was amazing...the instant she set him in my arms, he stopped crying. I think as a parent (since I am clearly knowledgeable in THAT field...), it would break my heart to have to leave him. So I feel good, knowing that I'm doing them as much good as they are me. It's a wonderful, place. And the best volunteer job ever.
Saturday, December 11, 2010
The beginning of the end.
I'm finally almost done with the fall semester. It's gone by so fast, yet I didn't think it would ever end all at the same time. In 5 months' time, I will be a college graduate with a degree I love. Clinicals make me so happy. Nursing, in general, makes me so happy. I've been euphoric most of the week, knowing I'm done with clinical prep, writing care plans, and perhaps most importantly, the psych unit.
However, I have to get through boards. Talking about the NCLEX literally gives me anxiety. Which is kind of funny, because it, like my graduation, is almost a half year away. I also don't like the question of "Where are you going to work when you're done?" I don't know. And I absolutely hate not knowing things. Uncertainty makes me feel adventurous for about 5 minutes, until I realize I really just don't know what's going on and that a lot can go wrong.
But that's the negative side of it. Positives? I'll be in the pediatric intensive care unit (PICU) for my practicum. I think it'll be a good experience to work with children and decide whether or not to rule it out. I also think it's going to be a lot of fun to carry bubbles in the pockets of my Dora the Explorer scrubs. I'm also headed to Essentia for my med-surg clinicals. Also a little apprehensive about this, because I'm a Sanford girl through and through, but I'll get over it. It will be good to get outside my little Sanford bubble I've lived in since before I even got in the nursing program.
I still work on my co-op floor, which I love. It is so much harder than working on 7 ever was. It kicks my butt, but that's a good feeling. I think I could be happy working there after graduation. It makes me nervous that so many nurses keep jumping ship. But I liked it for the three months I was there. I think I could like it for a least a couple years if I don't decide to go to Denver. I also think I could love Denver almost instantly if I went there. Minus the support system. I have some family there, but I've learned to rely heavily on friends and not burden my family as much. So I forsee that being a very lonely first couple months.
Whatever. I don't know what life has in store with me, and that's okay, for right now. I'm going to focus on the present and what I know I've got here for sure. That's going to be good enough for right now. And 'that' is good friends, family, and a life I love.
However, I have to get through boards. Talking about the NCLEX literally gives me anxiety. Which is kind of funny, because it, like my graduation, is almost a half year away. I also don't like the question of "Where are you going to work when you're done?" I don't know. And I absolutely hate not knowing things. Uncertainty makes me feel adventurous for about 5 minutes, until I realize I really just don't know what's going on and that a lot can go wrong.
But that's the negative side of it. Positives? I'll be in the pediatric intensive care unit (PICU) for my practicum. I think it'll be a good experience to work with children and decide whether or not to rule it out. I also think it's going to be a lot of fun to carry bubbles in the pockets of my Dora the Explorer scrubs. I'm also headed to Essentia for my med-surg clinicals. Also a little apprehensive about this, because I'm a Sanford girl through and through, but I'll get over it. It will be good to get outside my little Sanford bubble I've lived in since before I even got in the nursing program.
I still work on my co-op floor, which I love. It is so much harder than working on 7 ever was. It kicks my butt, but that's a good feeling. I think I could be happy working there after graduation. It makes me nervous that so many nurses keep jumping ship. But I liked it for the three months I was there. I think I could like it for a least a couple years if I don't decide to go to Denver. I also think I could love Denver almost instantly if I went there. Minus the support system. I have some family there, but I've learned to rely heavily on friends and not burden my family as much. So I forsee that being a very lonely first couple months.
Whatever. I don't know what life has in store with me, and that's okay, for right now. I'm going to focus on the present and what I know I've got here for sure. That's going to be good enough for right now. And 'that' is good friends, family, and a life I love.
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