Off the deep end.

I have literally lost it.

I can be focused when I have a test any other time of the school year. I buckle down, cram the information, and then regurgitate it for the test. Nothing too difficult. However, when finals week rolls around, all bets are off. The two finals I do have are not cumulative. So this should be no different than any other day of the year. Except that when my brain hears 'finals' it shuts down. I can find 3001 things to do instead of studying (like writing this blog for instance to complain about my lack of studying). I even took suggestions on my facebook status for procrastination ideas (good ones too, might I add). I just can't sit and look at my tests when I know it's for finals week.

And like I said, I only have two finals. So it isn't like I have been studying all week, because I don't do that, either. But all of a sudden I'm antsy, can't sit still, talking to myself, and just grumpy in general that I'm studying. I told you. I'm nuts. And at this point, it doesn't really matter what I do on said test, because I could get an A in both classes while still failing their finals. If I didn't take tomorrow's at all, I would still get a B. Isn't that absolutely disgusting? I think so.

So what's the problem, you ask? While I don't want to study and am teaching myself oh-so-useful new skills instead, I can't let myself fail. There's this weird little part of me that is so afraid of failing...so afraid of even getting a C on the test, that I can't just stop studying and say 'see ya next semester.' I am the true definition of the word nursing student. I just want to not care. But the thought of my teacher knowing that I bombed a test would make me feel like I had to explain myself...in which case I could just direct her here to said blog...

So to sum it up, I'm nuts. I am mad that I have to study but I don't really have to study but I won't let myself fail because that's embarrassing so I have to study. Do you get it? I don't.